Blush, who needs it? Apparently not me! I have been blessed with the tendency to blush quite naturally when embarrassed, and as Embarrassment has been my clumsy dance partner throughout so many of life’s moments I have been able to be frugal in the makeup department. My lips too, often have a nice smoochable glow due to my tendency to bite one of them when under stress. Every cloud has its silver lining!
One such blush- worthy moment happened several years ago. It involved a rather large sliver— a nice painful inch- long welt that appeared after I backed into the rough wood of an old dusty antique dresser in my basement. My sister Marsha arrived shortly thereafter, and after hearing of my painful predicament she insisted on playing nurse, examining the painful point of entry and attacking my backside with a needle for at least twenty minutes to try to remove it (the sliver that is) but to no avail! She then insisted that I go directly to the Emergency Room “to avoid getting an infection.” There, the nurse told me to lie down on my stomach under a glaring operating room light with my backside exposed, to await the doctor’s imminent arrival. The word “soon’’ in hospital terminology apparently means two hours, during which time I could hear people sniggering as they passed by the door which the nurse had somehow left ajar! The peak of my humiliation was yet to come when the doctor (bespectacled with magnifying lenses), after much probing and very close examination, said that it appeared that it had already been removed. Apparently my sister with the bifocal- avoidance issues (she would likely rather die than wear that doctor’s spectacles) had not realized that when she took a stab at it she had indeed been successful after all!
Another cheek- reddening exposure happened when I came out of the ladies` room at church and walked down the hall into the kitchen. Suddenly a friend came running up behind me and began yanking my skirt out of my pantyhose, within eye shot of pastor and deacons lined up for coffee!
Then there was that back road drive I took in search of perfect red maple leaves to decorate my Thanksgiving table with with. I ended up finding them quite quickly on the branch which overhung the deep ditch I ended up driving the car into! Despite the head full of hot rollers, the ratty old gardening shirt, and the total lack of make up or feminine allure, two young farmers risked hernias to push my big old Olds Delta 88 out of the muck. Such is the gallantry of the farm bred men! In return I splattered them liberally with gobs of mud and clumps of sod!
I’m sure it was the very same car that I wedged in to a much too narrow parking place on the campus at UWO when taking a summer course there once. Too close to open either of the car’s front doors, and afraid of the damage I would cause if I tried to back it out, I rolled down the passenger- side window and climbed out in a hurry. I was panicked and already running late for my class! Unfortunately, nothing had changed three hours later. I was still in the same tight berth, almost mirror to mirror with the other two cars. I called upon the kindness of a stranger once again, beseeching him to please try to back it out for me. I was afraid all four mirrors would be torn off if I tried to do it myself! Despite my feigned ignorance as to how such a strange thing could have happened, I’m sure the Good Samaritan had to know that I was the crazy parker, rather than the drivers of the cars on either side of me. However, much to my relief he was nice enough not to say so!
That big old Oldsmobile was the very same one that got stuck on the snow and ice as I was leaving from work at Good Shepherd Day Care in Strathroy years ago. After attempting to rock the car back and forth I jumped out to get some help. Much to the horror of the emerging staff, the car was sitting there like a pawing bull before a fight with its wheels spinning at high speed. Apparently with all my efforts at forward…reverse…forward, I had somehow shoved a floor mat forward with my high-heeled boot and fully jammed the accelerator before I exited!
Just the telling of these tales on myself has elevated my stress level somewhat and made me very thirsty, which reminds me of the time that I had forgotten to buy any juice for a church gathering at our home. I did have some grape juice but not nearly enough, so I added the juice that I drained off a cut- up pineapple in the fridge. But still, I didn’t have enough! That’s when I remembered that my friend Lucy told me once that one of her kids liked to drink diluted unset Jell-O. I remembered also that the enzymes in pineapple prevent Jell-O from setting so I continued making my grape, pineapple, strawberry and cherry Jell-O punch. The two pitchers- full I ended up with were totally delicious! All was going well until that evening when my friend Carolyn decided to help. She took a pitcher from the fridge to fill everyone’s glasses. There was shock and puzzlement all around when she tipped the pitcher and nothing came out! Sixty four ounces of jiggly purple glop couldn’t even be bothered to wobble out a single drop full. Blush? Who needs it? Certainly not me! I’m a natural!